“I did not imagine myself being a stay at home mom”.
I want to talk about motherhood. I’m currently a stay at home mom of two children. I have a beautiful five year old girl and a cute and mischievous little two year old boy. I did not plan for my life to happen this way, but it did. I thought I was going to work as a nurse well into my 30s, travel, and spend all my money on myself, then get married and start having children. But life happens.
So here I am, already three years into being a stay at home mom, and planning on going back to work this summer. I wondered if I did everything I could have during this time. I wondered if my performance as a stay at home mother was satisfactory. And to whom would ever measure this score? Why am I still seeking approval from outside myself? My children are still alive so I think that’s pretty much the priority right?
I did not imagine myself being a stay at home mom. My own mother worked while my father raised my brother and I at home. I told my husband when we were dating that I actually liked working as a nurse and would continue to do so even after giving birth to a child.
Don’t get me wrong, these last three years have been a true privilege and honor raising my babies at home. It’s a gift. A very unexpected gift and I am so grateful.
“Motherhood to me is like putting pieces of a puzzle together, blindfolded”.
I just feel insecure because I did not feel ready to be a stay at home mom. I wasn’t one of those girls who dreamed of raising kids at home, planning activities, and making cute finger foods for their kids. I didn’t read any books, follow any mom vlogs, or hang out with moms my age.
Motherhood to me is like putting pieces of a puzzle together, blindfolded. Sure I know what to do when my child is sick, when to take them to the doctor, and what shots they need for school. But the emotional aspect was something I needed to work on. I did not pray for my first child. She just came into my life. I am grateful, but I was emotionally and mentally unprepared. I was no longer close to family. My mother had passed two years prior. My father and I were estranged. I only had my boyfriend who is now my husband, and my nursing job. I acknowledge that my situation is probably more than enough for some, but it would have been nice to have my mother throw me a baby shower.
I wish my mother was there to bring my baby girl stockings and dress shoes for her first Easter outfit because since I was working I didn’t have time to think of those things, so my baby went to church with no shoes. I wish my mother was here to help me potty train my kids and get them to brush their teeth. I wish she was here to watch the kids for me while I took a nap or do a quick run to the store. I wish I had witnessed her love toward my kids, and watch them grow.
“In one hand, having no family in my life is a good thing as no one is bossing me around and forcing their ideas on how to raise children”.
But she is not here. So I do the best I can by reading books and watching youtube videos of mommy bloggers. But it’s just not the same having someone witnessing you transform into a mother. No one knows I’m a mother. No one has witnessed me mother my children. Everyone that I knew growing up, I had left back home when I got married. Whenever I go back to my hometown, it’s as if my old self is there frozen in time. I want to say to the town of Fresno when we get on the 41 north freeway, “Hey! I’m back! I’m different! I’m not the same girl who left! See me as my transformed and experienced self!” But I had lost many connections during my absence which is normal in life. So no one is witnessing me be a mom. Not even my father whom I am still estranged with. My brother is across the country and we do talk often, but it’s still not the same.
In one hand, having no family in my life is a good thing as no one is bossing me around and forcing their ideas on how to raise children. On the other hand, it is lonely, and I guess I’m looking for validation outside myself again.
All of these feelings came up when we spoke with an older couple who were family friends of mine growing up who actually care about me and my husband and kids. I spoke with the husband whom I told that we want to move to Oregon and be surrounded by nature and want to raise our children in that environment. He told me, “You are doing a great job as parents to your children” and honestly, that meant a lot. I told him, “thank you, that means a lot, especially since I don’t hear that from my father”. He said if he was here in person he would give me a hug.
I am grateful for the few people who believe in me as a mother. I have two wonderful aunts who check on me as well. But they are far away, and I am here figuring out motherhood on my own.
I went to church today. It is my fourth time going in the last month and since pre-covid. I go with my husband and children to keep our marriage and family together. It’s not ideal, but I choose my battles. This is how I keep the peace and it’s the right decision for me and my life.
Anyway, I really didn’t want to attend the song and worship part of the service, but I did. I know. My heart sank. I really cannot stand to listen to worship music these days. The continual degrading of self, the codependence on an external being drives me nuts. I wish people would know how powerful they are already just by being their true authentic selves.
The message today was quite interesting. The pastor was actually calling out the church. He said the secular world is “watching us” and “they are asking us to fix the homeless problem, the racism problem, the drug problem. But the church can’t fix those things, only Jesus can. Jesus is the answer”.
Ugh. Isn’t that the most vague answer in the entirety of the universe? Like what the hell does that even mean? What about mental health and resources and education? Nah, those won’t help. Jesus will.
He based his sermon off Matthew 17 where a father’s son had a demon causing him seizures. The father went to the disciples to have them heal his son or cast the demon out. But they were unable to. So the father went to Jesus instead and his son was healed. The pastor said that the secular world is looking to the church (disciples) to fix the problems of the world but they can’t, only Jesus can, just like what happened in the story. So that’s the pastor’s argument. But then in the text is says Jesus said you need more faith. The disciples needed more faith and the father of the son who was sick needed more faith. So what is the pastor exactly saying?
The problems of the world can only be fixed by Jesus, but if the world is looking at the church to fix those problems then the church needs more faith. Very confusing to me.
Nonetheless, more Jesus ain’t gonna fix anything.
I liked that the pastor admitted that the secular world doesn’t care about how big church buildings are or how many people are in attendance on Sunday mornings. The people care if the world’s problems can be fixed by the church. They’re asking the church to “cast the demon out”. And the pastor’s answer is Jesus.
I recently came back to this blog after 10 months. I had forgotten about it to be honest. I read through the previous posts and just thought, wow, this is actually really good stuff. I’m sad I didn’t keep up with it. But I was more sad to see how “spiritual” and “aligned” I was last year as opposed to this year. Oh, I want to get back to that version of myself.
Since then I have started an Instagram account called, @confessionsofapastorskid_ where I talk about deconstructing and decolonizing my faith as a former evangelical, former pastor’s kid, and former southern baptist. I’ve also started a podcast! It’s also called Confessions of a Pastor’s kid and its on apple, spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts. So I’ve been pretty busy elsewhere. Even though I’ve been creating and expressing myself in many different ways, I still felt like I was still missing an opportunity, an outlet of some sort.
So here I am once again…(“I’m torn into pieces”…song just popped in my head)
I’m excited to start blogging again, and hopefully this time I’ll be consistent!
I plan on using this blog to post about all aspects of my life, not just my thoughts on faith and religion, but also things that I’m learning in my personal life as a wife and mother.
So if you’re already following me, I hope you stick around because I have some awesome content coming your way!
I had the amazing opportunity to attend my first sound bath right here in Bakersfield, California! I had only seen sound baths in movies like Eat, pray, love, thinking I would need to go to a big city to attend such an exotic event. Bakersfield has grown and expanded in the last 5 years since I’ve lived here with art shows, farmers markets, and small shop festivals popping up almost every weekend in downtown. It’s all been so exciting.
I have established a meditation practice for over a year now and I’m so proud of myself for being committed. Working as a stay at home mom, the work is draining raising my 1 year old boy and 4 year old girl, but also rewarding. Slipping meditation into my every day routine while searching for sippy cups around the house has been a challenge, but has been vital to my mental health.
I had read on the white wolf wellness website a list of things to bring under the title, “Sound Bath Survival Guide”.
I found this sound bath event on the white wolf wellness Instagram, a non profit here in Bakersfield providing free yoga and meditation classes to the community. They recently received a grant to provide Sound bath events for free as well! This could not have come at a perfect time during my current spiritual journey.
I asked my husband if he could baby sit the kids to attend the sound bath later that day. He said, “Sure, where are you going?” I replied saying, “I’m going to a sound bath, where they play ancient indian instruments like gongs in a dim lit room while people lay on mats and meditate.” He replied back saying, “Um, that sounds awesome, I want to come!” I was surprised he wanted to come, but promised he could come with me to the next one since I would need to book a baby sitter in advance!
The sound bath was being held at La Mariposa Venue at the east side of Bakersfield. Luckily that was only 8 minutes away from where I live. I knew it was a sketchier side of town, knowing that a friend had her car broken into last week in that same area. But when I drove up to park, there were two security guards outside the venue watching the cars. That made me feel better. I was excited and nervous to come already so I did not want to worry about the safety of my vehicle.
I had read on the white wolf wellness website a list of things to bring under the title, “Sound Bath Survival Guide”. It said to bring a yoga mat, blankets, pillow, journal and water. I was already in a hurry so I just decided to bring one blanket but quickly grabbed my journal. Little did I realized later that I would have wished I brought a pillow and extra blanket!
Basically a therapeutic jam session in my mind.
I walk into the venue and was greeted at the door to sign in and was given a survey. The room was dimly lit with hues of purple and blue light. A projector portrayed snow in a forest, and jelly fish swimming in a sea. The band Al Wadi was set up with their instruments of gongs, different types of hand drums, and indian instruments that I wasn’t sure of the names. The room was already filled with people getting comfortable on mats, laying down or sitting in lotus position. I made my way to the back corner where I felt comfortable and safe from anyone staring at me.
There was an introduction explaining what was to happen during the event, where the bathrooms were located (which I really appreciated knowing), and that sound angels were to come around as we were meditating. A member of the band, a man, described the music that they were going to play, not out of a music arrangement but free flowing music, just based on an agreed key. Basically a therapeutic jam session in my mind. I later realized that hypothetically I could join them as I have a background in playing percussion instruments in drum line and marching band.
In that moment, I knew my resentment was not coming from within, but externally from other sources.
The music started and at first, I sat cross legged (I personally find the lotus position uncomfortable) on my blanket that I had laid out. I had my journal with me and the survey I was given at the door. The survey was to rate your level of anxiety and depression before the sound bath and afterwards. I thought it was informative even for myself. On a scale of 0 to 10 I rated my level of anxiety at an 8, depression at a 4. We were led to take a few deep breaths as the music began to play. I just could not help but feel so blessed and honored to be there. I felt so lucky and I felt love from the music and from the vibration in the room. I felt supported and I did not feel alone. I took a few deep breaths and settled into my sitting position. I blessed everything and everyone in the room, starting with the floor that I sat upon. The sounds were soft but full of depth and ease. I did have many thoughts running through my head but I have learned to not judge them during meditation and to just let them go like a river, flowing along passing by.
The entire event was 2 hours of soothing music and projected images. I changed positions from sitting, to lying, to standing. My tail bone became sore from the hard wooden which then I realized, I should have brought a pillow. The air conditioner was at full blast, (which was needed in a small venue filled with people) so I felt a little chilly. I made a note to also bring an extra blanket. They did provide mats sponsored by lululemon, but I’m a little more cautious of germs since that coronavirus is going around. (I definitely washed my hands before leaving the vicinity).
I was reminded to continue to be compassionate toward all people, especially the ones who hurt me.
I decided to journal since thoughts kept flowing through my mind. But I appreciated the atmosphere as it inspired me to self reflect. I began to think about where I am at on my spiritual journey to wholeness and enlightenment.
Recently, I have been reading the testimonies of people who have walked away from the evangelical church. It has inspired me to write my own journey of finding my own faith. I also found my “limit” if you would say. I would never be atheist, as there are many people who have become atheist. I for one, realized, that I would always believe in a higher power. I would not be able to prove this higher power, but I feel so connected and supported by this idea that I have no reason to let go of that belief. I also realized that many people who have left the church are angry and bitter. I started to feel that way when reading these testimonies. I started my spiritual journey over a year ago, but this is the first time that I have felt any resentment towards the church. In that moment, I knew my resentment was not coming from within, but externally from other sources.
From the very beginning of my faith journey I wanted to leave anger and resentment toward my father who rejected me, including all areas of my life. I was reminded to continue to be compassionate toward all people, especially the ones who hurt me. But not because they believe differently than me, but because I acknowledge everyone is on a faith journey, and thinking I’m right and they’re wrong is actually bad for my spiritual health and brings negative energy. And I’ve learned to protect my energy. Even though I do not strongly believe in the same beliefs of the evangelical church any longer, I can still have compassion for my friends in the church and the leaders. I have no intention of burning bridges with any of them. And I still attend like I have mentioned before and honestly still enjoy learning about the bible with the ladies at Wednesday morning bible study.
Somehow, I have found my own freedom outside the church setting and hope that those christians may find their own way into freedom.
Writing my thoughts down helped me focus on the music. When I was done writing, I put my journal down and was able to get lost in the sounds of the wind chimes and deep tones of the bass. The sound angels walked along us and played a gong and a bell. I felt the vibration of the sound fill my mind, comforting me like a warm blanket, pausing my thoughts. I observed the room filled with people sitting, laying down, or kneeling. I felt connected to these people that I had not met before. When I stood in the back at one point, my eyes were closed and my hands were faced palms up at my sides. It reminded me of being at church during worship music. Even though I was not in a church setting, I still worshiped God, the creator of the universe, thanking him, and praising him for bringing me to that place where I felt freedom. Which also made me wonder, if the church preaches we are to have “freedom in Christ” then why are there still so many christians sitting in the pews every Sunday morning feeling fear, guilt, and shame? Somehow, I have found my own freedom outside the church setting and hope that those christians may find their own way into freedom.
The music slowly ended and we were led to take a few deep breaths and stretch our arms and legs. I felt happy, safe, and supported. I wanted to stick around and meet some people, but had to run to buy ingredients. (My daughter wanted my husband to make ice cream that evening.) I figured if I attend one of their meditation classes I could meet people then. When I turned in my completed survey, I was given a button that said, “Stay Woke”. And I intend to for the rest of my days.
I am grateful for how far I’ve come in my spiritual journey to wholeness.
I am able to align myself with my source, my creator, and feel peace.
I am able to love myself more than ever before and seek validation from myself and not others.
I am able to love others more than ever before. When someone hurts me, I am able to have compassion for them and understand that saying hurtful words to me has nothing to do with me, but something to do with them and their level of self love for themselves. I am able to read between the lines of what people say and intuitively know how they’re really feeling deep inside.
I have delve deep into my past and have forgiven people I have needed to forgive, let go of past beliefs that no longer serve me, and view my negative experiences as learning experiences. I have healed from the death of my mother and from the rejection from my father.
I am aware of the law of attraction, how being negative will give you negative results but being positive will give you positive results. I am aware of emotional frequencies and if I emit a negative frequency, negative things will happen. But if I emit a positive frequency, positive things will happen. I am aware if I am on the same vibration as someone and if I am not. If someone walks out of my life, I know that they are not on the same vibration as me, and I bless them on their way as they continue their life journey.
What has helped me the most in my spiritual journey is meditating. When I meditate, I bless everything around me. The chair I’m sitting on, the floor beneath my feet, and the room I’m in. I bless my neighbors, the streets of Bakersfield, the clouds and sun in the sky, and I bless the entire atmosphere of the earth. I bless the stars, and all the planets. I imagine a light, shining so bright at the end of pluto, where I enter my higher level of consciousness, my higher self. And that is where I meet God. That is where I am most honest with myself about my desires, dreams, and questions. I start out by being grateful, then being honest. This reminds me of a verse in Philippians 4:6, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, with prayer and petition, present your requests to God”.
There’s something about acknowledging God’s creation first before going to the throne. If I am to go to the Father, I must acknowledge where I am at. This has helped me understand the significance of God but also helped me be near him and understand him. For example, when learning math, the first subject is arithmetic, not algebra. So when I had to learn to understand or recognize God’s presence in my life, I had to acknowledge his creation. I had to acknowledge the wonders of the earth and all its complexities. I studied the human body and the significance of how its cells were designed to communicate with each other when healing from disease. There will be so many things that God created that I won’t understand in my life time. This reminds of in Job where God reveals to him the universe and galaxies and says, in Job 38: 18, “Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth? Tell me, if you know all this.” We will never understand the greatness of God and his power. I no longer try to make sense of it all. Acknowledging this was the only way for me to connect with God. Being around nature helps me connect with God, which is why we are moving to Oregon.
I trust that God is holding me. I don’t believe he has a specific plan for my life. He wants me to have abundance in every aspect of my life. As long as I’m loving others and having no ill intent toward others, then I am in alignment with Him and myself. He has already given me my gifts and talents which I will continue to improve and expand on.
I am concerned about what to “label” my spirituality. If I had it my way, I wouldn’t label it. I would say that I’m spiritual, not religious. Could I be agnostic but still want to attend bible study, because I think the bible is an inspirational book worth studying? Or Could I still be a christian and see a tarot card reader whenever I feel distressed about issues and to make sure my chakras are all in order? I mention this because the people who will be concerned about my spiritual life will try to make sense of it and ask what I call myself now. Well, I’m going to say that I’m spiritual, not religious.
Because it’s no longer a conviction; rather it’s a tradition.
I am part of a mom group at church which I attend and today we had a speaker come and talk to us. The speaker reminded us of basic Christianity, 101. The speaker quoted John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, and whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life”.
After quoting this verse, the speaker encouraged us to remove the words “the world” and put our name. Mine read, “For God so loved Fresca…”
I know I can love because God loved me first. I truly believe that. I also believe that I need to love myself as well. Now that is something the church doesn’t touch on, but Jesus said in Matthew, “Love others as you would love yourself”. I am not saying we should love ourselves only, or to only think of ourselves and not others. I am saying that we have forgotten to love ourselves. We have been told it is wrong, selfish, and sinful to love ourselves. But I’m here to remind women, wives, and mothers that it’s okay to love yourself! Because when you do, you are a better friend, wife, and mother! This is a message that I strongly believe in right now. And to know that God has my back, that he loves me even when I don’t love myself, is what helps me live this life. So yes, step into the love God has for you, and also love yourself.
Like many people who grew up in church, I became complacent in my faith. I had heard the words “Jesus loves you”, Jesus died for you”, and “you’re a sinner” my entire life. To be honest, it was mostly mumbo jumbo, going through one ear and out the other. In the midst of all this theology being screamed at me, I was just a child trying to fit in and please my parents. As I grew up, I had questions. So many questions about my faith. I learned that if you ask questions, you are shut down. The church wants you to believe everything they believe with no question. I think that’s wrong. Its impossible to believe all the same things because we are all different, with different backgrounds, circumstances, and experiences in life. There is no way we can understand the world around us the same way. And there is not only ONE way, but MANY ways to feel peace and grace. There is ONE GOD but there are many ways to interpret how we view him/her. Its either God/source, holyspirit/intuition, or prayer/meditation; they mean the same things. I want to admit, that even though I am a preacher’s daughter, even though I grew up knowing all the answers in Sunday School, and even though I’ve studied books of the bible with concordances, went to church camp every summer, and sang in the choir…I do not know nor do I have all the answers to God or Jesus or the Bible. But what I do know is that God is loving. He is forgiving. He is the source of all things. And when I am in alignment with this source, I feel peace.
confessions of a pastor's kid 